“Change occurs when one becomes what she is,
not when she tries to become what she is not” ~ Ruth P. Freedman
December 11, 2010.
Oh! Am I exhausted! Strange day emotionally. Just got off the phone with my mother a few minutes ago. I intended to call her tomorrow, but I wanted her opinion on a series I was about to start reading. So I woke her up at 9:40 p.m. with my “pressing question”. I talked to her as if nothing was out of the ordinary. In response to her question of how I was doing, I cam back with, “Oh I’m numb!” as cheerfully as I would say, “Fine thanks! How are you?” What a caution I am as a daughter. Things got tense at the end because she was making this especial point of letting me know that I had left “a” pill behind. I was not aware that I had gone a day without my antidepressants. Even so, I didn’t get the dramatic emphasis she was placing on it considering I had been taking them everyday since. My instinct was to get off the phone as quickly as possible. I shed a tear or two, then resumed looking at the books in the library corner.
I realized tonight that I don’t miss anyone or anything since I got here. I haven’t felt anxious for anything (except for the internet occasionally). I like to look up trivial facts when they come to me. I have had no aspartame in days. My intake of sugar has gone down by half and my caffeine consumption as been weaned even more so! Apart from this cold, I have felt fine. I haven’t even thought about it. Though I was perturbed by there not being the daily crossword waiting for me when I came downstairs this morning. I genuinely felt put out about it as I was looking forward to filling it in over breakfast. I can only laugh and shake my head because I don’t even understand myself right now.
Oh! How I do not feel sociable! It took a half hour to negotiate myself out of bed this morning, so even the nice pleasantries with other residents was almost more than I could handle. The two women I am living with are both as nice as can be, but after ten minutes, I was worn out! After the one lady went up stairs, I stuck my head in the fridge, not only to grab the cream, but to hide my face and take a deep breath. This is no one’s fault. I’m just tired. There is a need in this woman’s eyes. They are bright, alert and uncertain. I feel compassion and my instinct is to care and support, but that is not my roll here. She observes me intently and I find myself withdrawing with a cringe of uncomfortableness. I don’t want to be needed; I don’t want to be wanted; I just want to be. Any thought os the world I have temporarily left behind feels uncomfortable. My mind scarcely goes there. Maybe this concept of rest is starting to make sense.
Sleeping-in throws off my routine leaving me dissatisfied for the rest of the day. I was about to go get my Daily Bread and Bible from upstairs when I felt drawn to the piano. Today, the hymn book was open to a particular spot whereas it had been shut before. Whether it was one of the children from last night or one of the residents or staff that morning, I dutifully sat down and began to play and sing.
“O the Deep , Deep Love of Jesus
Vast, unmeasured, boundless, free,
Rolling as a mighty ocean
In its fullness over me.
Underneath me, all around me,
Is the current of Thy love;
Leading onward, leading homeward
To my glorious rest above.
O the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus,
Love of every love the best;
‘Tis an ocean vast of blessing,
‘Tis a haven sweet of rest.
O the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus,
‘Tis a heaven of heavens to me;
And it lifts me up to glory,
For it lifts me up to Thee.”
I spent some time playing a few more hymns and then followed that up with some Christmas carols. Fred and Marlene came in from shopping. Fred expressed his appreciation for the songs and said that he felt like singing. I was afraid of disturbing the others, but the one lady said it reminded her of her grandparents; they had both played the piano. The other resident, who was up in her room over the piano, later told me that she was singing along as she was cleaning. This was a great comfort to me because it felt so good to play. As far as I was concerned God left the hymn book open for me. I was blessed to play to God’s praises with the sight of a church’s steeple in the distance through the window. The piano is mercilessly out of tune! The first few touches of the keys made my eyes roll to the back of my head. I couldn’t let that stop me, though. Music is music!
I did the crosswords ‘till I was ready to fall asleep. I knew I should go for a walk, but curling up to finish “Good Wives” was much more inviting. I sat on my bed for awhile staring out the window.
“You need to rest,” a voice broke through the silence.
I knew I didn’t have to go out, but that I would regret it if I didn’t. I felt the same tugging away inside me that I have often felt through bouts of depression. With resolve, I voiced aloud, “Rest is one thing, but being depressed is another!” I got up, dressed for the outdoors and went for a walk.
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