“I haven’t a clue how my story will end, but that’s all right. When you set out on a journey and night covers the road, that’s when you discover the stars.” ~ Nancy Willard
December 10, 2010.
Day 3 -- I’m feeling quite worn out. Still have the cold. The honey-lemon concoction Judy recommended is certainly helping. It is delightfully addictive, too. I was awoken in the middle of the night (around 3 am) by Marlene knocking at my door. Fred and Marlene are the dear couple that live on the top floor. They are around for support after the day staff go home and Fred helps with the maintenance of the house. Apparently something triggered the sensors in the downstairs bathroom and the alarm went off. Darned if I heard it, though! I must have been in a very deep sleep!
When I finally rose this morning, I didn’t feel the least bit like being sociable. I felt crappy and exhausted. I did end up making the most of my day. I spent sometime working on the daily crossword over breakfast. Thankfully, the crossword puzzle had a Pavlov effect on my insides and put an end to my constipation! Devotions were good this morning. Now that I am done wiping up the honey and lemon that dripped down my shirt, I will write down the verses. That is after I mop up more of the drink I spilled by kicking the chair I was using as a footstool! Have I mentioned yet that I am slightly accident-prone?
“The wicked lie in wait for the righteous,
seeking their very lives;
but the Lord will not leave them in their power
or let them be condemned when brought to trial.
Wait for the Lord
and keep His way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.”
~ Psalm 37:32-34
This was a great comfort. I feel as though this passage applies to me where I am right now. God has already made good this promise and has not left me “in [the wicked’s] power” or let me be condemned as I often am in that home.
Jocelyn and I had a chat about my “numbness.” As much as I am enjoying the indulgences of sleeping in, reading in a cozy nook, going for long walks in the fields and eating home cooked meals, I don’t particularly feel happy nor do I feel forlorn. It’s more of an indifferent contentment with the definitive question haunting me in the background. “What am I doing here?”
I have decided that everyday I go on my walks, I will be more ambitious. I stayed out longer today and covered much more terrain. I am still puzzled by those bizarre little grass pouches. Withered spikes stick out of them. I looked inside, it was as if someone had woven it with dry thread. This trivial mystery continues. I detoured from the path briefly because something caught my eye. It was a particular bush. All the leaves are gone revealing burgundy branches and twigs. I have never seen anything like it in all my life! One could almost believe that the twigs had been painted with a rich coat of French bordeau wine. this deep hue contrasted dramatically against the fresh dusting of snow on the ground.
There was another passage from the mornings devotions that lead me to the fields with even greater anticipation than the day before. I will transcribe that too now that the excitement of the alarm going off (AGAIN!) is over.
“Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak so tenderly to her.
There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor (trouble) a door of hope.
There she will sing (respond) as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
‘In that day,’ declares the Lord,
‘you will call me “my husband”;
you will no longer call me “my master.”’
I will remove the name of Baals from her lips,
no longer will their names be invoked. (...)
I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.
I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and will acknowledge the Lord.”
~ Hosea 2:14-17; 19-20
There is power and promise in these words. All attempts are being made to distract me tonight! In the midst of copying this passage, I had to stop and read aloud excerpts of Ephesians to rebuke an enemy at my window. I may be numb, but the Holy Spirit keeps me alert. I know that I am well protected. Being called a “betrothed” and “allured into the desert” was so moving. I immediately thought of the deserted orchard that surrounds this blessed home. I remembered the wonderful romanced feeling I had experienced the day before; the longing and the calling. So, this afternoon I bundled up with haste to go meet my Lord. “Okay God,” I thought. “What do you want to show me? Here I am. I am trying to seek You to know Your will and I would like to sort this all out.” I reflected back to the passage in Psalm 37, but the only word that stuck out was wait. Sigh. Nothing stimulates the cheeks of this “flushing” bride than being told to wait! Oh Lord how long will I be disciplined in the virtue of patience before I am able to master it?!
I kept walking down the hill when I heard chirping. I could see wee birds flitting and fluttering from branch to branch and tree to tree. I stood as still as could be. With every few moments passed, I stepped closer. My presence appeared to go unnoticed. In the cold dreary silence, I delighted in the sound of their chirping and the flapping of their wings. I couldn’t be sure if they were chickadees or sparrows. I watched as they systematically ducked to a foot of the tree, pecked and tugged at the grass with their beaks and unearthed fallen berries. From there, they darted up to the lofty branches where they nipped away at their treasures. Immediately my mind went to Jesus’ words on worry.
“Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single day to his life?”
~ Matthew 6:26 & 27
In the distance, I could hear the squaking of Canadian geese. Within a few seconds, lines of flapping black vees emerged through the trees soaring through the bleak sky, braving the chill wind and following their instincts to a new destination. I found myself staring up at an empty tree. The wee birds had flown away. I wondered if a stranger were to happen upon me gawking at that tree, if I would seem cute and charming in my innocent curiosity or if I would appear more queer and simple-minded. I chuckled at my self-effacing thought. I continued down the path getting further away from the farm house. I keep taking in the scenery with admiration and love at my Father’s handiwork. I have discovered that when I am surrounded by beauty, I tend to feel beautiful myself, as if God’s creation flatters my soul.
Yesterday, one of the residents mentioned having an encounter with a large dog who was wandering loose on her way to Terra Green houses. While walking down the path, through the withered corn fields, I also had a chance to meet the furry (fortunately friendly) German Shepherd named Polley. He froze at the bend as his bright eyes spotted me. I became keenly aware of its strong build as he bounded toward me. I felt the softness of his incredibly thick coat as it brushed against me. One quick whiff of my hand and he turned away and ran towards his approaching owner. A short pleasant middle-aged woman called out,
“Good thing you didn’t have a dog or he’d go nuts.”
Her name is Anita and she lives in a red brick house on a property that has been meticulously landscaped. She had a direct but kind manner about her. She asked if I was new and where I was living. I felt a mixture of pride with a slight sting of shame as I responded. I introduced myself as one of the Drummond House women. She gave a knowing nod and maintained a neutral expression. It made me wonder what she was really thinking. She talked a little bit about the land, the neighbouring farmers and the new resident who doesn’t care for people walking on his land. She complemented me on having such nice teeth. Ha! Now that completely threw me! I am not going to describe my not-so-pearly whites except to say that I find they mar what is otherwise (as I am told and vainly think) a beautiful smile. She commented on the warmth of my hand when I took off my mitten to shaker hers and then went on her way recommending that I walk along the creek as it is such a pretty spot. I later discovered that this was a very true.
As can be expected, I thoroughly enjoyed my walk. Right now it is a necessity for me to venture further though this countryside everyday. After all, that’s what Elizabeth Bennet does whenever she stays somewhere new! I spent the rest of the day reading “Good Wives.” I have made excellent headway towards finishing it. There is a copy of “Pride & Prejudice” on the bookshelf in the tourette room which I plan on reading next. I had brief meeting with Jocelyn in her office before she returned home for the week-end.
“You really are numb, aren’t you?” she smiled from across her desk.
“Yes, I am. But at least I have the awareness to know that I am in denial.” Sometimes I am so sarcastic, I cannot help myself. “I get why I’m here, but I don’t feel that I should be. I don’t see why I am deserving of all this blessing.” She shook her head at me adamantly.
“You are deserving to be here. It is no accident that you are in this place. No-one comes here by accident. This is an appointment by God.”
“I am just trying to figure out this whole process.”
With a comical groan she exclaimed, “Stop doing that!” She repeated the same instructions that Debra and Rachel had given me. “Just enjoy this time of rest. Enjoy the numbness. This is normal. Eventually you will hit your low point and crash. And it might take a few weeks, but don’t force it.”
I understand this concept theoretically, but not yet in application. The fact that Debra and Jocelyn say this to me with a knowing smile and a twinkle in their eye is just frustrating...because I don’t get it yet! So here I leave it: indefinitely enjoying my numbness and waiting on the Lord.
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